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First blog: a journey into my life

This is the post excerpt.

As a start to my new blog (which I have been contemplating about creating for a long time, but have been just putting it off), I thought I’d start with something basic, just a small glimpse before the chaos. Cuz life is complicated and difficult and days are long and life can be hard.

I play many different kind of roles in my life and divide myself in many different ways. So I am always trying to find a way to keep everything in my mind as simple as possible and keep my life as simple as possible, which is actually IMPOSSIBLE to do. But I try…

I am an only child. (I like to think this doesn’t really matter in all scopes of things, but I know it actually does. esp when it comes to understanding my kids and how people interact with each other and the roles they play within their interpersonal relationships). Fortunately, my parents raised me to be very independent. And (unfortunately) not spoiled as a child. LOL. Which actually turns into an advantage for me. Often people cannot tell that I’m an only child, so I find that as a compliment. Hahaha. But I am an observer and I love to study and watch people’s behavior and understand how they think and operate on a deeper level. I’ve always been a deep thinker, (I think that’s the Gemini in me). But in life, there is always so much more than what meets the eye…

I am currently a nurse, a bedside nurse, for a tele/cardiac unit. It’s very challenging and hard and tiring and rewarding and emotionally numbing. But I like it most of the time. I have thought of changing careers or positions many times, but honestly the crew I work with is amazing and they make all the craziness worth staying for. But nursing is long tiring hours and I begin to feel it in this aging body.

Another role I play is as Mother. I have 4 children of my own, and 2 step children, (1 of them lives with me). My stepson that lives with me will be 24 yrs old, so technically he should take care of himself. But millennials tend to stay a home longer. Haha. And for now, that’s okay with me. My oldest son, Nathan, is about to turn 21. He is severely autistic. And with him in my life, it has been a struggle, but this struggle almost feels normal. Then there is Justin, 8 yrs old, smart, bright, full of energy. Jordan 6 yrs old, who is also autistic. But the sweetest and adorable and cuddliest of all. Lastly, there is Jazmin, 3 yrs old. With her, I really need to take a breath before I decide on how to describe her. LOL. She is normal (as I roll my eyes). She is a challenge for me. Very cute in so many ways, but with a strong spirit, avid temperament, smart, headache, but definitely sweet at times.

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Konmari time

In hopes to save me from falling into an abyss of chaos. I started reading a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up by Marie Kondo. Very interesting… A very different light into how to tidy up. And it breaks away from your traditional way of thinking. Hopefully I won’t rebound, as she says her clients don’t ever do.

So I started… She said to start with clothes…

“Does this spark joy?” It’s a very different kind of question to ask oneself. Versus your typical do I want to keep this or not. Haha. It definitely makes you look at things a little different.

Went thru my clothes that was left over at my parents house. Got rid of 3 garbage bags full of clothes. Then onto home. Currently at 8 garbage bags full of clothes and still counting. Process is a little slow on my end. Didn’t exactly follow her structured way to a tea. But close.

I found clothes I have forgotten about. Clothes that I’ve been missing. Clothes that I miss. And clothes that I look at and think, “what was I thinking?” LOL. Not to mention all the clothes that just don’t fit me anymore! (Of course, then I realize how fat I am. Hahaha.) There goes another thing to add to my to do list!

Getting rid of all these clothes is amazing progress. But I’ve only made a small dent.

Falling….

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, or how hard you try, everything still just seems to fall apart?

I know I’m trying, maybe not the optimum level that I think I should be.

And I have so many goals and aspirations. A positive attitude. But…

I still can’t seem to get myself together to get S#!* done!

I’m not sure why exactly. But it just doesn’t.

I know I have a history of depression that has overcome me in the past. And in many ways it feels a lot like the same. But I’m not sad or feel despair. In fact, I feel just the opposite… happy and hopeful.

However, I do know I am extremely overwhelmed in my life. I have so many things I think about. So many things on my to do list. So many things that need to get done. That honestly, I have no idea where to begin or start.

And that’s when I feel like I’m falling… falling apart.

I. Am. Back.

It’s been just over a year since I started this blog. And my has life changed since then…

Nathan, my oldest (and autistic) has moved out of the home and into a group home. It’s something I’ve been waiting for. Was on the list for 3 years before finding a placement for him. It was definitely bittersweet. It’s a huge help for me and my parents (who help take care of him too). Taking care of him was huge burden. I love my son. And I love him for who he is. But taking care of a severely autistic person that’s bigger than me, with behavior issues and obsessive compulsive behaviors, doesn’t make life easy or barely bearable sometimes. I actually think I was doing him a disfavor by keeping him home. Cuz we were enabling him from his own potentials. And in the bigger scope of things and life, at his age, he should be exploring the world and life in general. 21 year olds are usually in college, going out and moving out. So it really was only fitting for him to go. It’s all part of life and letting go. And it has been great. I found a company that has been great with him. He lives with 3 other roommates, who are always going out. His home administrator constantly has activities and plans for the residents. So they are busy. He is not as obsessed with his iPad or iphone as he used to be. And is so much more calm. The home has their own nutritionist and cook, that cooks them fresh meals daily. And multiple staff available to watch over his safety. He is definitely living the life and doesn’t know it. So I have fortunate.

My 8 year old Justin is great. Smart, I really think he is gifted. Had somewhat of a rough year emotionally at school in the 3rd grade. Possibly a bully in there. But he survived and bully was put under control. He stepped up for himself and fought back against her. And it turns out, he was stepping up for some other kids who were scared of her. So kudos to him. He is just an emotional one and always wants to please (which is also in age haha). But overall, he has a good heart. I started him in martial arts to help boost his confidence. And he enjoys it. He even has gathered enough courage to try out for some roles, and got a few small roles, in the musical Aladdin Jr for his 3 in 1 (drama, dance & voice) summer enrichment program. So I am very proud of him

Jordan, my 6 year old… it’s been tough. I have struggled personally dealing with a lot of what’s going on with him… which could be a whole new blog. But in general, he still does ABA and finally will start school in the fall in a more appropriate class for him. His genetic testing came back. And he has Phelan-McDermid Syndrome, a chromosome 22 q13 deletion. Which can cause seizures and autistic like behaviors.

Lastly, there is Jazmin, smh. She is another emotional one. What makes her so attached to me is something I still can’t understand. Haha. I am good about properly separating from her, saying goodbye, reassuring I will return, no lying, no sneaking out. But yet, she still has anxiety from separating. But is completely fine after I leave. I think she is just a true Cancer (zodiac) and is just emotional. Oh boy! Otherwise, she is adorable and incredibly cute, smart in her own way and incredibly sassy. A girlie girl that loves her glitter and pink and all things sparkling. She makes life fun and interesting and a complete headache. Sigh…

As for me, my nursing life is there. Still a back up lead, with no intention on advancing or interested in self enhancing with certifications or earning a higher education. I did decide to start getting involved with the unit through our shared decision making (SDM) group. So hopefully we can start to improve things in our work life. (Cross fingers)

Then there are my oils. Decided to really dive into the business aspect of the oils. And the past few months have been great. Slow moving, but moving in the right direction. Went to our Young Living convention. Inspirational…

Oils have become a huge part of my life, that I don’t think I could live without them. And I thinks its time to share that with the world…